Chapter 4 – Nonviolent Communication
The Identification and Expression of Feelings
This chapter focuses on a crucial component of nonviolent communication: understanding, identifying, and expressing our feelings. It explores three key areas:
- The high cost of unexpressed feelings.
- The confusion between feelings and non-feelings.
- Building a specific and accurate vocabulary for feelings.
The High Cost of Unexpressed Feelings
In many cultures, we are conditioned from a young age to believe that feelings are unimportant or even burdensome. We’re often told to “toughen up,” “get over it,” or “keep it to yourself.” As a result, people tend to focus on what they think others expect them to say or do, rather than tuning into what they’re actually feeling. This inner dialogue—based on predicting and meeting external expectations—can keep us in our heads and disconnected from our hearts.
Language plays a powerful role in this disconnection. We may talk about feelings without actually expressing them. For example, in a relationship, one partner might describe the other as “bland as a wall.” While this is an expression of frustration, it doesn’t communicate the speaker’s actual feelings. This type of language can isolate the other person and may even bring about a self-fulfilling prophecy of disconnection. Whether in an intimate or professional relationship, clearly expressing our feelings is key.
An example from the book illustrates this point: a group of hospital administrators needed to communicate with physicians to move a decision forward. One of the physicians had voted against their proposal, resulting in a 17-to-1 vote. The administrators felt afraid but hesitated to express it. Once one of them acknowledged their fear and shared it openly, the tone of the room shifted. As a result, the vote later changed to 17 in favor.
Expressing vulnerability can be powerful in resolving conflict. Another example comes from a teacher who was new to a school and felt nervous and unsure about how to gain the respect of their students. Rather than hiding their fear, the teacher openly shared their concerns. This honesty led to a stronger rapport with the students, who responded with empathy and understanding.
Feelings vs. Non-Feelings
A common source of confusion in communication arises when people use the phrase “I feel…” followed by something that isn’t actually a feeling. For instance, saying “I feel like this is a waste of time” is not expressing a feeling—it’s stating a thought or judgment. In many cases, such statements could more accurately begin with “I think…”
Distinguishing between thoughts and feelings is critical if we want to genuinely connect with others. We must also learn to separate what we feel from how we think others are behaving or reacting.
For example, the statement “I feel inadequate about my abilities to play the guitar” is not a feeling but rather a self-assessment or judgment. A more accurate expression of feeling might be: “I feel discouraged” or “I feel insecure.”
By learning to clearly express our feelings—and to differentiate them from thoughts or evaluations—we deepen our capacity for connection, both with ourselves and with others. This clarity sets the foundation for more compassionate and effective communication.
Would you like help expanding on the third section about building a vocabulary of feelings as well?